Breaking up, take 2
BE(ing), BeYond (the Binary), Journey, Stories
April 16th, 2023
Breaking up with the online spiritual community was way less dramatic than when I broke up with the yoga industry in 2012. How kismet to utilize the codings of a #5 year to prophesize what would occur in a #7 year (and the patternings of 5, 7, leading you back to… 1? or 0). People think break ups with these industrialized and commodified notions of deeply personal and meaningful practices means that I am ending my work with them. Did my yoga practices, even my teaching of these said practices end back in 2012, because I was done with where I saw this industry going? No. It just saved me from being in the hellfire of witnessing firsthand how a wondrous gift to the West, that yoga was, ended up being continuously watered down by the yoga studios business model, of semi-training a bunch of aspiring yogis annually, to ensure they could keep their lights on. Barf.
No, I continued to teach yoga, but in spaces as I traveled, amongst people of varying cultures and in communities, where people were open and ready to learn. Where people of marginalized communities have experienced real hardships and understood what yoga brought to the table, a powerful set of ancient practices that could support us sitting with discomforts, processing the shitshow that was our human experience, helping us move through the flux of egoism and victimhood in our bodies, minds, and more. I also got the incredible gift of continuing to study, learning from those lineage holders, from India, whom grew up in ashrams, and had consistent daily practices that spanned over years, as well as the humble nature and intrinsic joy that I have witnessed within me at times from the gift that are these branches of yoga. International travels and connecting with local communities to grow further connections and understanding of the varied human experience has definitely been my thing. So, of course, after 6 years abroad, I had absolutely no idea what I was in store for when I returned to Canada, with only a name for what next leg of my journey that I was embarking upon, a word that came in meditation, “The Movement Key”.
But, I was unprepared. For the change in Toronto, within those years abroad, the pace of growth and commodification did not stop here. Capitalism and Canadian cities have been bed-buddies for years. I saw that there were more new yoga studios, with a whole bunch of ‘senior teachers’ who hopped on the bandwagon during my time away, with a couple of hardcore teachers that I knew from back in the day that were still teaching. It was a pretty wild scene to witness. I remember sub-teaching some of my friends classes, and witnessed people treat me like you would someone making your coffee. “Can you fix the temperature?” Demands upon demands, upon client complaints. I discovered that it jad become a product, the yoga class, even the meditation class that I was asked to sub for a while, which I was originally so stoked in seeing that people were interested in meditating for an hour, to see that it was basically a place to give them lots of props and let them sleep. Le sigh. I loved the discomfort of a good practice. It got me out of my comfort zone, it helped me be open to see things differently, it allowed me to unschool my mind, from the underpinnings of systems that did not support me. It gifted me with great tenacity, commitment, and the opportunity to further explore all that was fucked up within me, that I gloriously blamed on everything else outside of me.
After about a year and some stinted gigs within yoga, I was super happy to see some incredible South Asian teachers finally get heard by the Lulu masses, hello! Stop appropriating and marketing on a spiritual practice, fuckers! Well they didn’t say fuckers, I added that. But then again, I have warned many, I am quite the original anarchist, and yoga looped me in for it’s rebellious history and ways. I loved diving into the philosophies, and my joy of learning kept me a dedicated student since my mother first introduced the practices to me as a child. It has been my saving grace, my solace, and my means to expand and explore the realms of consciousness now for over 3 decades. My time within the capitalist industry of it all? Hmm.. 2008-2012 until I said stop selling things out, and make things more accessible, you ding-dongs. Even the good-intentioned, non-violent-communicative, and inclusive ones were… well, exhausting, to say the least.
So, now back in Canada in 2019, and I am already done with what I have already witnessed in the students. And this is not me blaming the students! Students are taught how to be in a classroom, yes? Well, these students were taught by an interesting bunch. And yes, disclaimer, not all teachers I met were bad, and all had ‘good intentions’, they too simply were not given enough time and space for practice and study. And it was the studio industry itself, not even the owners at times, but it being a business. A very big catch-22 for all the teachers who loved yoga, wanted to share what they loved to others and how it helped them, but then having to market and sell it like the next big thing, again, and again, and again. So, my other thing I offered was Reiki, and I got all hell-bent on the notion, never you mind Jos, no need to teach yoga to people who can access an app for instruction. Let’s focus on healing, yeah?
Ha! Well, that moved swiftly online amidst a pandemic, and guess what? I ain’t a Reiki teacher that attunes online, so… hiccup. How the hell was I going to share of energy practices, that were so important to support the intensity of our current experience, amongst now a whole new industry that I had to ecounter? That of the online ‘spiritual community’. After taking the first bit to work on decoding some of the ways they spoke, for every teacher enjoyed having their own language to reference the “muggles”, or the “3D” world, wildly emphasizing further divides, sharing that you just weren’t aware enough if you didn’t understand them or their wordings, it was the most blatant use of “I know more than you” that I have seen off the school playground and into now the most harmful blast them with light and piss rhetoric that shared that if you were ascended enough, you would then be graced with an intellectual power and prowess that would enable you to move beyond the unnecessary trials of real life, and be able to blissfully and simply listen to the word of God and your own heightened intuition over anyone else. I got caught up in it, trying to find a simpler language, but couldn’t handle myself over the high vibration and resonance police that simply were replaying old tenets of the New Age, which were then replaying old tenets of the church. Did they not see the slippery slope of blown up egos, or were they so ascended that their inflated ego didn’t allow them to see anything except themselves?
In practices that were meant to heal divides, let us see truths we weren’t willing to see within ourselves, and face our shadows with grace, I found that instead, if a shadow was shared or reflected, I quickly no longer resonated, or my tone was policed, instead of the truth that hurt being addressed with responsibility. But you see, I was less invested in this community, having felt like the incredulous bystander, that was yes, walking with ancestors, working with the Divine, but going, say what?! To half the things I heard, then opening to connections for some truths that would be shared, to only have them shatter me later on with yet again, the same great capacity for judgements, but now divinely-guided judgements (fearful God, anyone?) or intuitively-led saccharinely sweet comments that left an aftertaste of battery acid.
So once again, I get to break up with an industry I never wanted to be a part of, but felt I had to swim within, for in my past vows of service, I was trying to be available for the people, those that maybe fell in between the lines of these carefully crafted communities, or also got some subtle red-flags from what else was being said amidst the smattering of truths found within the sacks of “look what I can do”, “look what I know”, and more of this slideshow of tricks that this aged traveler has seen too many times before.
Why do I speak up now? Well, it took me some time to find my voice in this new world. One where I got to meet incredible healers and teachers, got the gift of studying with them, where at another time, they may not have been online. As many lessons in life, it was a double-edged sword. Not all bad, and not all good, and a helluva shitload of in-between. I also found the media and online presence to either having to combat what untruths were sifting through the sewers, it felt like I was doing a lot of putting out fires, or lighting them up. Lots of first-response stuff, without having much time to be able to go, am I even enjoying this? Why am I doing this? Why do I have to be a part of this?
Everyone wants to go viral, and I wanted to find a little cave, where I could connect with a couple of people, who were open and willing to learn together. So, gratitude for that saving grace, for I actually did do that, and am grateful for all that we explored in the past 3-4 years together. Spirit would prompt, and we would go and discover. The moon would share their fullness, and we would travel to it’s shores. I got to continue my studies, whilst sharing what I did know with some who were keen to not just take it and run with it, but to listen, question, and further discuss what arose from it all. These connections gave me hope, where at every other turn, people were like, commodify! Capitalize! Decapitalize! Starve! It was some very mixed messages, y’all.
I found these industries to be quite the initiation unto themselves. In the Vedas, initiations were describes as a burning of the ego to ashes. I got to experience many deaths, but many could blame my ease with transmutation, death, rebirth, etc. with me being a Scorpio. Lol. Maybe it was also for the amount of what had to be alchemized, between what was held in my body, amongst the lands that I traveled to and lived in, with the many stigmas, dogmas, and things that I had to allow for my personal safety and survival. But yes, it could be because of my Scorpio sun sign as well. How long will we keep trying to read people, or share simplified judgements or justifications for why people are the way they are, without just asking that person why, and being open to listening to their response? Hmm.. but I digress, maybe that’s a rant for another day.
In these years, the thing I missed most was my voice. I had to be extra accommodating amidst the jury, judge, and police all rolled into one person called “spiritual”. I was quiet once again for my safety as I sussed out the situation, to see if I could simply teach people in the way they worked with me that spirituality was not transactional, and that working with spirit was not a parlour trick.
It got to the point that I lost part of why I was doing this, and had to step back quite a bit last year from the socials, in order to get grounded, literally, working in the local fields, amongst the flowers and the trees, so I could just speak with the Elements, to once again access the Fire within, that wasn’t snuffed out, even though many have tried, but to go what made me want to do this? Oh right, yes, it’s my juice. It’s my breath. It’s my love.
So, no I am not breaking up with what I love to do. I am simply not choosing to market it. Fuck that. I have been a seer for a long time, a cosmic traveler for lifetimes, a witch, a soothsayer, a necromancer, an oracle. I look forward to continuing to share meditation practices and some free education on energy practices up on my Youtube, plus some Harmonic Akashix channelings on my Soundcloud. But I ain’t hustling, y’all. This ain’t my side hustle, but it isn’t my business either, can you get that? I am not here to run an empire, to make billions. I am here to share what I know and the joy in what I don’t know, and be open to learn with you and Spirit, while continuing to learn and grow. That’s it. I will give options for payments for my private work, and yes, they will go to either support me and my dog’s life, and when there is excess, to share forwards with other earth and water keepers/defenders. And at times, here’s hoping, I will get to continue my studies with the indigenous shamans that are of parts of me. In person. With the potential discomforts of the human experience.