March 12th, 2022
Welcome. Thank you for your interest in reading even little snippets of my story. Story is living energy that can be moved (shared through space/time) through words, sounds, and more. Once story is shared, the energy can be received by all who consent. What is received, may trigger reaction, memory, feeling, body sensations/movements.
When receiving story allow yourself to breathe, ground. Take pauses or breaks when needed. Hydrate and nourish. Move at times, and give space to be. I share these words and story from multiple perspectives. The ones only seen then, the ones held with compassion as part of the binary (shadow/light), as well as all that is in me NOW. Trust that my story will grow, shift, and be revised as I do.
My story a: intro (03-2022)
Have you ever experienced those comments (sounds/words) shared to you if your physical form changes? Have you lost weight? Is everything okay? Something’s different. Have you ever experienced then, that the changes you have made, the growth and shifts that resulted from your personal work in (r)evolution, may come into question? Then, sometimes dependent on the other person’s stories, what your change may have brought up in them, they may then share judgements/opinions, “I need to fix/help them.”, which may lead to suggestions (story) received about how you ingest food, plant medicines. What things do you consume or abstain from? How do you move your body? What’s wrong? Change isn’t always for ‘bad’ reasons. Change can also be for ‘good’. Change occurs Both ways. ALL ways.
I used to experience such immense rage, for all the ways my human capacity for all things change (trans~) was not respected or honoured or allowed… yet. I was too young to fight, so I first felt immense self-doubt in my capacity to be. To exist. Which then led to me experiencing shame in my body in response to all these stories shared. These stories became boxes. Step into this one, and that. This mix of stories is accepted. These are different, or in less proximity to power. We need power to move through this world. Do what you must to survive and maybe climb ontop. Oh, the stories I allowed to become teachings. That took so long to even see weren’t me again. For me to remember this story, even. Do you see? The life journey to first learn how to move and be, then to unlearn it only to remember how you move and be? This dance of perspective shifts is marvellous, isn’t it? Well, maybe once you see the patterns ~ the 1, 2, 3… and then unraveled what triggered reaction/response, to then remember… U
Even though my body and being felt unsafe/unsupported in space by others, my journey to gather (all) aspects of self could not have been done solo.
Even in the most immense amount of unraveling, dismantling, and stepping deep into the muck of me… I knew I had spirit. I had so much support from ancestors, ancients, ang(EL)s, and that’s only three A’s (and an e). I had Body. And even though I was judged, shamed, and taught to conform body into something pleasing and accepting to the gender norms of the white patriarchal gaze, my soul and spirit said NO! So, for many years I fought my body, earth, and others. That fight handed down generations, to persevere.
With this rage also came a childish annoyance. My in~divid(u)al be-ing was frustrated why other humans got so used to Body only being able to be ONE way and unchanging. Presuming that U are only that, but can’t also be this and/or become this & ___ (fill in the blank). There was this Child/Creator part of me, that stomped their foot and said, “I don’t get it. Don’t you see? We are H(U)mmaN. We are sshapeshifters! We move. We sound. We sensess… we shift! AAAANNNDD- Helloooo!! WEee do it togetherrR… no matter the form we take. We are connected. In change… we Can -“
Ground ~ Breathe ~ Center.
The prompts that a society freely shared on conforming to ideals of form, action, and more (that were one-sided supremacist BS), that intermingled with the NO! of my Body, led me on an effing magick carpet ride of a journey through the shadow/light of this/that (with)in/out of Me/
and then beyond
What did I unlearn and learn along the pathways traveled through space time? Well, that’s for more stories. But, here’s an intro:
I am a 41 year-old, gender non-conforming individual. My pronouns are she/they. I carry the privilege of a mixed heritage that is predominantly white (Scottish, French, and Spanish). I have learned how to “blend” in as needed for safety in my travels. Sometimes, as people get to know you, or feel a sense of intimacy that they actually look at yoU, then the additional asks come… What is your background? Where are you from? Are you…. (fill in the blank)? For something in me looks different than you, which may unsettle. Which oddly enough, has been shared is weird.
I have fully embraced my weird. Our differences are beautiful expressions of all that is us. We can connect in reciprocal relations, we do not have to repeat the fights and battles of yesteryears. There are pathways beyond the extractive/transactional (capitalist), colonial/supremacist ways, there are more paths beyond even their opposites. The work & play to get to self-acceptance and then into personal agency asks for a gentle pace, honouring time and space for rest. We can tenderly unravel/unlearn the ways that we think/act, while embracing the rhythms and cycles of this, that, and more. Connecting to the shadow & light of the binary, whilst also exploring beyond the binary with curiosity and wonder. Remembering and discovering, softly, dear one.